Styles of Conflict Whenever two people disagree there are always at least two levels of need. Personal needs – what one spouse thinks or wants. The challenge, of course, is to effectively resolve conflict in ways that take into account both our personal and relationship needs. Cede or withdraw – “I’ll get out” We refuse to discuss the situation and stonewall our partner. This style is the least effective because we lost out on both our personal and relationship needs. Control – “I’ll get what I want or I’ll get him or her.” We might get our personal needs met, but at the cost of the relationship. When one person wins, what really happens is that both people lose. Capitulate – “I believe in peace at any price, so I’ll capitulate or give in.” Meeting our need for harmony is at times more important than getting our personal needs met. Compromise – “I’ll meet you halfway.” I am willing to bargain some of my personal needs for some of my relationship needs. Legitimate love always requires a bit of compromise. Over 90 percent of our conflicts can be dealt with through compromise. Collaboration goes an additional step – “I’ll grow with you beyond this problem.” Collaboration is where we work together, take time to understand the issues behind the conflict and leave the conflict not only having solved the immediate problem at hand but with a deeper understanding of and appreciation for each other’s perspective. It is more than compromise between two opinions, it is coming to have the same perspective on an issue and working together to see that perspective accomplished. Personal Needs Relationship Needs Key - negative for the category + positive for the category What is your predominant style of conflict resolution?
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