Grace Involves The Golden Rule – treating your spouse how you would like to be treated Patience – (Bob) We all need to live in an environment where we have the freedom to fail. We need to be able to make mistakes without facing months or years of extortion. Our policy is that once we have resolved an issue, it is off-limits for future blackmail. Early in our marriage, I did something that hurt Bev. I asked for her forgiveness and she gave it to me. Later I apologized again. She said, “I already forgave you.” Appreciating and enjoying your mate – (Bev) My mom says that the things that exasperate us most about our mates are the things we love about them. Our differences make us a good team. For example, I am not very good at being diplomatic, even when I’m trying. Bob, on the other hand, lives his life being diplomatic without trying. Bob has been very gracious to me, even when I’ve made a mess of things. It behooves me to run a difficult issue by him before I open my mouth. However, when our family plus my parents arrived at our hotel in a horrendous storm at about 9 pm last summer to check into our guaranteed reserved suite, and they had given it away to someone else, he let me do the talking. We ended up with a much better deal for less money. But I was nice!!! Keeping Perspective – (Bob) There is a good question to ask yourself to help you keep the big picture. “Is it really that important?” Or “Is it going to matter in ten years (or one year)?” Take a step back and make sure you are not blowing something out of proportion in relation to its actual importance. Sometimes lack of sleep, hormones, stress or low blood sugar can distort your perception. Honoring your mate in private and in public – (Bev) I have made a commitment to never complain about Bob in public. I’m sure I haven’t been perfect, but that is my goal. We have given each other permission to talk about each other as we speak about our differences, but in “safe” areas, not personally painful areas. I am very uncomfortable hearing people gripe about their mates. Hearing the dirt about your mate is more than I want to know. Let me just say that it is totally appropriate to confide in a close friend about a problem. But it does not need to be general information. I have made another commitment to tell Bob when I have a nice thought about him. There are so many wonderful qualities that Bob has, it is a shame to keep them to myself when I’m reminded of one of them. A frequent statement in our house is, “I’m so glad I’m married to you.” Speaking the truth in love – (Bob) When an issue is important I need to voice my concern without biting words. I need to talk about the action that is troubling me without attacking the person. I need to use I statements rather than you statements. Instead of saying, “Great wife you are!! You’re just like your mother – always bringing up negative stuff in front of my friends” you could say “When you criticized me in front of Jim, it made me want to be anywhere but here. ” The Bible says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph. 4:29). Another version says, “that it may give grace to those who hear.” Choosing Forgiveness over bitterness – (Bev) When I have been hurt, I have a choice: whether to forgive to whether to harbor bitterness. When we were newly married, it always used to take me a long time to figure out what I was upset about. Bob graciously allowed me enough time to think it through, even though he was ready to talk about it immediately. I could have taken advantage of his graciousness by delaying our conversation, even when I had a handle on the issue. I could have given him the silent treatment, pouted, and gotten a certain amount of mileage out of it. However, I made a decision not to take advantage of the situation, because what kind of mileage would it have been anyway? My motivation would have been self-centered. I would have created a destructive pattern for my marriage and for my health. In the short-term, bitterness feels good, in some two-year-old kind of way. But long-term, bitterness takes its toll on you, both physically and emotionally. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what the other person did was okay, it just means you are not going to take revenge. Forgiveness releases you from carrying that burden around with you.
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