Reality Based Communication Instead of communicating simply and clearly what we really want we often go through elaborate dances around the issue. See if you recognize yourself in any of these dances. This couple wants to go out to dinner for their anniversary and an overnight that they had planned for 3 months. A very close friend of the husband, that he had not seen for a while, called with tickets for the 7th game of the World Series the same night. Russian Kick Dance: Him: We are going to have to put off our anniversary weekend! Her: What is it now. You are always doing this to me. Here I go and spend hours planning this special time for our anniversary and you are being a jerk again! Him: That is what I hate about you. You have not even heard my side, and you are already acting like a shrew. Her: Your side, it’s always about your side. I don’t even count. I don’t ask for much, just one overnight a year, and you’re trying to cop out on that!!! Him: Ya as if I’d want to spend the weekend with you anyway! What killed their communication? Bate and Switch BalletHim: Sweetheart, Joe called me today, you remember him, my best friend from college. He has tickets right behind home plate to the seventh game of the World Series and asked me to go. Her: Well how thoughtful of him, you haven’t seen each other for so long, it would be nice for you to go. Him: There is just one catch. It is on the same weekend we were planning to get away. I was wondering if we could adjust our time to get away to the next weekend? Her: Well I think you ought to go. Later that night… Him: What you doing hon? Her: Well I’m just making a list of all the people I need to notify of the changes for our weekend, the hotel, the babysitter, the restaurant, the newspaper boy, the cat sitter, and the person picking up our mail, the person taking over our Sunday school class. Huge sigh. As he leaves to go to the game: Him: Thanks sweetheart for letting me go to the game, it means a lot! Her: That’s ok, since you are going to the game, I decided to treat myself to the works at the spa all day tomorrow, so you will have the kid’s beginning at 6:30 am when I wake them up. Him: Great! The Bulldozer StompHim: Bev we have to change our plans for this weekend. I had my administrative assistant call and move everything to next weekend. Her: Why? Him: I’ve been given tickets to the seventh game of the world series this weekend. Her: Well I have things planned for next weekend. Him: Well, change them! Soft-shoe Shuffle Her: Joe called today, and said he has tickets for the seventh game of the World Series this Friday night. Him: (Boy, I would love to go to that game. What an opportunity. I really need to talk with Bev about it, but I know she would be disappointed.) Wow! Her: (I know we need to talk about this, but if he decides to go the game, we will have to change all our plans, and that sounds too overwhelming to me.) Him: (I don’t think I should go because I know she has her heart set on going away for the weekend) She: (I really wouldn’t mind him going if he would take care of all the arrangements.) Ready for dinner? Manipulation Mambo Him on Phone: Are you almost finished with work? I thought I would take you out to that new French restaurant you have been wanting to go to! I’ve called mom and she can pick up the kids from the baby sitter and she can watch them as we go out. She, at her office: Oh wow, that restaurant is so expensive, and we are already going out this weekend. He: Oh but you’re worth it! At the Restaurant Him: Hi Sweetie. You look nice tonight!! I imagine people think I robbed the cradle when I married you! Her: Oh stop! Him: I thought I would pick up these dozen roses to tell you how much I love you. Her: Oh, you’re so wonderful. At dessert: Him: I just heard about this incredible resort and I thought it would be fun to go there instead of where we were planning to go. Her: Oh, that sounds nice. Him: The only thing is there is no space this weekend, would you mind if we went next weekend? Her: Oh, that would be great. The next day Him: Joe called and said he has tickets to the World Series for this weekend. Her: Isn’t that nice that we changed our anniversary plans. Him: winks at audience! Point of all this: Just share what want. This is the way we would encourage people to discuss this issue. Walking in the Light Waltz Him: I have something I need to discuss with you related to our trip. Is this a good time? Her: Sure Him: I got a call today from Joe. He said that he has tickets and wants me to go with him to the seventh game of the World Series. Her: That would be really nice to go to the game. Him: I really want to go, it is a once in a life-time opportunity and I would love to have some time with Joe. The only problem is that it is the same weekend as our anniversary trip. Her: Oh, that is a problem. I was really looking forward to the weekend with you. Him: I’m willing not to go to the game, but if we could move our anniversary weekend to next weekend then I could go to both. Her: Well, I did have a couple of things planned, but I could probably rearrange them. Him: Will it bother you that we are not going on the exact date of our anniversary? Her: No, I guess it doesn’t have to be on the same day as our anniversary. The fact that we are going to be together is what is important. You have been flexible for me other times. Him: Are you sure? Her: I just hate the thought of having to redo all the reservations, and finding a baby sitter. Him: Well how about if I am the one to do all of that, since I am the one messing up the plans. Her: Sounds good to me. Him: Thanks. Good qualities of the Conversation: They were honest about what they wanted.
Return to Facing Reality Together
|